Thursday, June 6, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Moved!
Well, I finally did it! After breaking up with Karl in Montana, I loaded up my Nissan Pathfinder with Service Dog, Luke, TV, computer, all my clothes, books, quilts, and basically, everything that was important, or that I needed, and made the two day drive to Coastal Oregon, to basically start my life over again at age 50!
Interestingly, I feel better than I have in a very long time. Six years with Karl was about 5 years too long, but although it was disappointingly never romantic, it did provide me with a safe place to heal from my divorce in 2004 and a very traumatic relationship from 2004 to 2007, culminating in my desperate escape from Texas. However, my moving on has been long overdue, and life with Karl had become unbearable, and I was truly miserable. We parted on good terms though, and remain dear friends.
Fast forward from October, when I began to make new friends, also with service dogs, even spending two weeks in Oregon in December, meeting Mark and his 8.5 year old guide dog, in person, and it was just a matter of time (4 months) until I was totally convinced that moving to the Oregon Coast would be a good, healthy, rewarding new start for me. And if these past two weeks are any indication, I was totally right! I am working out, walking almost every day, enjoying the weather, the beach, hiking at a wide variety of places, parks, the Redwoods, and exploring my new surroundings, cultivating new friendships, experiencing joy, eating better, feeling empowered, in control of my life for once, feeling free, exploring new opportunities, with an improved self esteem, energy, while remaining stable, responsible, and with my head on straight.
I do take my medications religiously, and am getting set up with a new general medical provider for my physical problems, as well as a new Psychiatrist, therapist, and pharmacy.
Luke is doing great too, and he benefits greatly from the increased activity, more training opportunities, a less negative home environment, and living with a happier handler along with a wonderful blind man and his guide dog!
Gotta go for now. More soon!
Amy and Luke
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sleep!
Well, it's after 7am on Monday and although I didn't go to bed or get any sleep last night, I did finally get some sleep yesterday, from 5 to 10 Sunday morning....a good solid 5 hours of sleep, and I feel much better. I talked to someone at the psychiatric facility and they believed that I am okay enough to not need to be admitted at this time. I have a friend coming over this morning to work on some projects with me and take some pictures of Luke in his new mobility harness and provide me with some company while I attempt to get some housework done.
Tuesday, another friend is coming over to go through my old clothes and hang out, and I also have my Therapy appointment with my new therapist, Donna, who is aware that I have been struggling lately, tormented by suicidal ideation and severe depression. But today, I feel much better!
Wednesday I have DBT class, and I have some homework to finish up for that. Thursday I will go to the Self Esteem class, and pick up where we left off last week, where we discussed ABC, (A=activating event, or trigger, B=Beliefs or automatic thoughts, and C=consequences)....Recognizing that certain events or triggers lead to automatic thoughts or beliefs that are often erroneous, often not founded in reality or truth, but just ingrained thoughts and beliefs (about myself) that lead to a consequence, usually of feeling worse about myself, feeling worthless, hopeless, unlovable, etc. I think the trick is to learn to recognize these automatic thoughts and try to change them into more positive, realistic beliefs, so that the cycle of beliefs and consequences to more beliefs and more consequences can lead to a better comprehension of how to deal with the activating event, or trigger. These beliefs or automatic thoughts that I have immediately following a triggering event are mostly unconscious thoughts, misconceptions, exaggerations, and self-deprecating myths that lead to bad feelings.
Friday, I go to my general practioner and will discuss my sleep problems as well as my pain medication management. It will be a busy week for Luke and I, and I am trying to spend some time each day clicker training Luke for obedience and some new tasks. Hopefully, professional training will resume soon, as I'd like to get him to pass his AKC Canine Good Citizen evaluation, and ADI's Public Access Test as well as specific task training and mobility work, and transition from a service dog in training to a full fledged service dog within a few months. He does well with the basic outings we do each week, but he is still uneasy in certain crowds or environments, and I want to expose him to more venues to desensitize him to these situations, so he is comfortable everywhere, no matter what is going on. We have been going to a casino with friends lately, and he is learning to deal with the sounds and movements of the crowds without too much stress. I try to keep our outings under two hours each time, and that seems to be about the right amount of time to expect him to work in public at this time. He really enjoys going in the car, and our visits to the store or my regular appointments and classes, but I want to attempt the city bus again, and some more lively events in town and continue to build his confidence. The medical alerts he's been doing at home have been right on, and he responds appropriately to my episodes. He is always close to me, and very tuned in to me all the time. He has gotten to where he doesn't ask to go out except once in the morning and once before bedtime, and other than a little game of fetch with his ball or a little tug of war, he doesn't demand much play time either. He mostly spends his time lying down next to me at the computer or my recliner, watching me, and checking in with me often. I am very pleased with his intuition and responsiveness. That is something that just developed. I didn't train that. Just spending every minute of every day with me has created that close bond. Now we just need to polish up on advanced obedience and service dog tasks, and hope he has a long, healthy working career with me.
Thanks for reading our blog. Comments are welcome.
Amy & Luke
Tuesday, another friend is coming over to go through my old clothes and hang out, and I also have my Therapy appointment with my new therapist, Donna, who is aware that I have been struggling lately, tormented by suicidal ideation and severe depression. But today, I feel much better!
Wednesday I have DBT class, and I have some homework to finish up for that. Thursday I will go to the Self Esteem class, and pick up where we left off last week, where we discussed ABC, (A=activating event, or trigger, B=Beliefs or automatic thoughts, and C=consequences)....Recognizing that certain events or triggers lead to automatic thoughts or beliefs that are often erroneous, often not founded in reality or truth, but just ingrained thoughts and beliefs (about myself) that lead to a consequence, usually of feeling worse about myself, feeling worthless, hopeless, unlovable, etc. I think the trick is to learn to recognize these automatic thoughts and try to change them into more positive, realistic beliefs, so that the cycle of beliefs and consequences to more beliefs and more consequences can lead to a better comprehension of how to deal with the activating event, or trigger. These beliefs or automatic thoughts that I have immediately following a triggering event are mostly unconscious thoughts, misconceptions, exaggerations, and self-deprecating myths that lead to bad feelings.
Friday, I go to my general practioner and will discuss my sleep problems as well as my pain medication management. It will be a busy week for Luke and I, and I am trying to spend some time each day clicker training Luke for obedience and some new tasks. Hopefully, professional training will resume soon, as I'd like to get him to pass his AKC Canine Good Citizen evaluation, and ADI's Public Access Test as well as specific task training and mobility work, and transition from a service dog in training to a full fledged service dog within a few months. He does well with the basic outings we do each week, but he is still uneasy in certain crowds or environments, and I want to expose him to more venues to desensitize him to these situations, so he is comfortable everywhere, no matter what is going on. We have been going to a casino with friends lately, and he is learning to deal with the sounds and movements of the crowds without too much stress. I try to keep our outings under two hours each time, and that seems to be about the right amount of time to expect him to work in public at this time. He really enjoys going in the car, and our visits to the store or my regular appointments and classes, but I want to attempt the city bus again, and some more lively events in town and continue to build his confidence. The medical alerts he's been doing at home have been right on, and he responds appropriately to my episodes. He is always close to me, and very tuned in to me all the time. He has gotten to where he doesn't ask to go out except once in the morning and once before bedtime, and other than a little game of fetch with his ball or a little tug of war, he doesn't demand much play time either. He mostly spends his time lying down next to me at the computer or my recliner, watching me, and checking in with me often. I am very pleased with his intuition and responsiveness. That is something that just developed. I didn't train that. Just spending every minute of every day with me has created that close bond. Now we just need to polish up on advanced obedience and service dog tasks, and hope he has a long, healthy working career with me.
Thanks for reading our blog. Comments are welcome.
Amy & Luke
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Well, I'm going on my third day without sleep, and I am concerned about becoming psychotic, having hallucinations, etc, if I don't get a good night's sleep soon. I am trying hard to stay out of the hospital, taking my medications, and going to doctor and therapy appointments, DBT class, and Self Esteem group. I have learned a lot of skills in my classes, and I have been doing some Yoga and Meditation from a program I bought online called the Silva Method at mindvalley.com. So far the recordings I have listened to contain strong messages about how to improve my state of mind, learning deep relaxation, etc.
But I am still struggling with internal pain. Mostly I feel a deep sadness over not having any recent contact with my three grown children. Ellen is 30 this year, married with one small child. Kirk will be 22 next month and he is in the Navy, aboard the USS George Washington, out to sea until at least November, and probably not able to take leave for about another year. The ship's home base is in Japan, and that's a long way from his home in Wills Point, Texas. My youngest, Megan is 20 now, and I haven't spoken with her in almost a year. She is working at a restaurant in Wills Point, living with girl friends, and considering going back to Junior College in Terrell. That's really all I know about my kids at the moment. They have chosen, for whatever reason, to not contact me, and living in Montana for now, I am very homesick for them, and feel a definite sense of "loss" since they are now grown and doing their own thing and not staying in contact with me. I want to see my youngest two so badly, since I have rarely seen them in the past 7 or 8 years. However, I have to maintain my own sense of well being without them, and pursue my interests and happiness on my own. I have Karl, my friend, my companion, my partner, but he is a bit of a loner himself, having lived on his own since age 17, been in the Army, never married, never had children, and is totally at peace with who he is, and is content with his own company, not needing much interaction or affection. Neither of us have found Butte, Montana to be very nurturing, haven't developed strong friendships, or a true sense of feeling "at home" here. Karl gets laid off from the glass shop every winter as business dies down due to extreme weather, and we find ourselves often isolated from the rest of the world. I did have a good relationship with my therapist, who also taught DBT and Self Esteem classes each week, but she has just recently moved on to another job, and I am now dealing with starting all over with a new therapist, and new teachers for my weekly classes.
I think I'm on the correct medications. I feel stable in the sense that the medications for depression, bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and physical symptoms is being managed on my current "cocktail". One of my biggest problems is my chronic insomnia, and narcolepsy during the day. I don't seem to be able to gain any control over when I sleep. I am wide awake at night, unable to calm my mind and reach a state of restfulness, and during the day, I often have sudden periods of time where I instantly doze off at random times of the day, without notice. In general, I'm not getting quality sleep. And lack of sleep leads to pyschosis, irritability, and even hallucinations. I know that my perspective is not as clear as it would be were I getting adequate and regular sleep. I am having mood swings, mostly anxiety and depression, and thoughts of wanting the pain to end badly enough that I experience a desire to just crawl in a hole and die.
I know much of my anxiety stems from losing my therapist and teacher that has been so influential in my life for over 5 years, and her replacements pale in comparison to her genius and expertise and the problem solving we were able to accomplish together. I miss her terribly and don't like the new therapists and teachers nearly as much. Also, the stress of not having family around, not having contact with my children, not having a life full of experiences with friends and family involvement has allowed me to sink into a dark depression and feelings of guilt, sorrow, worthlessness, and hopelessness have dominated my current state of mind.
I am trying to stay out of the hospital, or psych ward, as I have made a commitment to friends, family, and mental health care workers, that I would not do harm to myself, or allow myself to entertain the possibility of taking my own life, as I have in the past, before I had some coping skills and DBT training and quality therapy. But, sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions every day, not really involved in anything, just existing. I have allowed myself to give up on hobbies, interests, and social engagements. I have a couple of friends I can talk to, one in particular, recently developing into a close relationship, but in general, I spend most of my time alone, and feeling lost and lonely and unhappy with my life. I attempted to attend college on line, but quickly got burned out and had to quit. I don't have the financial means to explore many hobbies or interests, so I spend my days just attending my errands and appointments, spending time online, a member of some online support groups, doing some dog related activities, and just letting time go by, day after day, month after month, year after year, without actually accomplishing much.
My Service Dog, Lucas, is actually my closest thing to a life line for me. He is my daily focus, my companion, my assistant, and often my healer. I rely on him for physical and emotional support, and he accompanies me everywhere, including grocery shopping, running errands, going to classes and appointments, and on the occasion that I go out to a social event. I am actually closer to him than I am any person I know, including Karl, the man I live with. Karl goes to work every morning, and I am usually up when he leaves, having never gone to bed, and when he gets home from his tough job at the glass shop, he generally wants to make small talk briefly, then spend his evening on his computer, following the news, and playing his fantasy game online, eating whatever I come up with for dinner, drinking beer until about 11 or 12 pm when he goes to bed. Often, that is the extent of our relationship. Now, if I am feeling particularly upset, I can go to him and express my feelings and he offers his friendship, his personal wisdom, and emotional support, but he does not engage with me emotionally on a regular basis, as he doesn't need that frequent attention himself. We both agree that, when we can afford to move, we will probably head south, in a year or two, perhaps to Savannah, Georgia, where he can most likely find year round work at a glass shop, and the weather is more suited to his liking, we would both enjoy being near a beach again, and I would most likely occupy myself with going to therapy and psych classes and support groups, perhaps attempting to try to attend college classes again, spend time with other Service Dog teams, and maybe even make new friends to spend time with individually, or possibly as a couple. We have not enjoyed the company of close friends here in Butte, Montana. There is a lot of negativity here, a lot of poverty, drinking and gambling, crime, and general lack of interest in the community. The police force is mostly corrupt, and there is a definite lack of nurturing in this town. It has some history, as a mining town, the old copper kings of Butte, and the remnants of a prosperous time in history, but other than that, there is little culture or excitement to be had here.
So, I am pursuing the friendships that I've made recently, and find that to be mostly rewarding, but am aware that it is just a matter of time before Karl and I make plans to leave this part of the country and try to build a life somewhere new. My Service dog is and will continue to be a major factor in my life's decisions, will remain my constant companion and helper, providing me with emotional support, as well as specific medical alerts, therapeutic responses to my specific medical episodes, mobility assistance, and psychiatric support. Unfortunately, large dogs don't have a long life span, and eventually, he will have to be retired, and I will have to seek a replacement, train a new puppy all over again, and have to deal with the loss of his companionship, much sooner than I'd like to. I think mind and Karl's relationship is solid enough that it will last, although not a completely fulfilling partnership, it provides me with financial and emotional stability, companionship, and may yet improve as we pursue new living arrangements, new friends, new jobs, and new interests together. Karl is, if nothing else, an honest and safe place for me to call home. I never worry about being abandoned or betrayed or injured in any way by Karl. Intellectually, we stimulate each other, his political beliefs, although sometimes different than mine, are very strong and rooted in a sense of integrity and common sense. His steadfast commitment to his work and his relationship with me is comforting. We are not passionate lovers in our early 50s, but we are valued partners, and I learn a lot from him, as he is quite different from me, and mostly self sufficient and maintains a positive outlook on life, despite our many challenges. He is convinced that I will, indeed, someday be reunited with my adult children, that those relationships only need time to pass and life experiences to be gained, but that in time, they will resolve into a comfortable place again in the future. I have also heard this general opinion from other people, and though I find it difficult to imagine, given the present distance that exists between my children and myself, I genuinely hope it is true that the future holds a promise of rewarding relationships to come. Right now, I am struggling with depression and lonliness, a lack of a feeling of purpose in life, and an inability to find much to amuse, interest, or excite me at all. I haven't, however, given up hope that such beneficial opportunities exist in my future. I believe I will again make friends and develop interests that occupy my mind and time and satisfy my social needs. I believe I will be happy again, sometime in the future. The divorce was harder on me than I had expected, and my brief relationship to a controlling and dishonest partner, after my divorce for about two years, added to my feeling of guilt and resentment over how my life changed, and contributed to a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and general distress. What seemed like a perfect relationship at first, turned out to be very disturbing and psychologically disabling as it was filled with negativity, dishonesty, betrayal, emotional abuse, and stress. I am glad that I was able to escape that situation, even though I left all my worldly possessions behind, and was fortunate enough to have Karl in my life to be a safe place to recover from that relationship, and my divorce and my separation from my children. I am sort of still in a healing mode, trying to redefine my life as a divorced mother that just turned age 50, and hoping that I can find peace and purpose in my life, although legally disabled, not dead or completely without some kind of future that could very well be rewarding and fulfilling as I reach the age of being with people that are retired, having grandchildren, and pursuing interests in their "golden" years and finding happiness in friendships and relationships with loved ones. It is my strong desire to reach that point of contentment, to feel like my life once again, has meaning, and I am able to value myself enough to enjoy life and grow old in peace. I don't know how much of my future involves being alone, but I hope that I can prepare myself to live a satisfactory life if being alone is going to be part of my future, and am able to function, although disabled, to a certain degree of self sufficiency and satisfaction. I hope that some of the friends I have now, remain in my life for many years to come, and that the relationships in my family that are currently dysfunctional, resolve into healthy, mutually gratifying situations that provide me with the feeling that life is indeed worth hanging on to and trying to be happy and content with however things turn out in the future. I am not afraid of dying, per se, but I do have some anxiety about being lonely and being without enough positive activities to find my life rewarding enough that I am in a state of mind to desire longevity, health, and happiness in my later years.
For now, I am going to just concentrate on getting through the most immediate crises, cleaning my house, training my service dog, nurturing my friendships, attending and working at DBT, therapy, and self esteem classes, and maintaining hope that some of my most troubling issues will be resolved in time. If I have to spend a few days in the psych ward because I can't hang on to hope without some professional help, then I am willing to do that too. I know I have made a commitment to friends, family, and health care professionals, that I would at least continue to TRY to go on, to attempt to find whatever it is that I need that provides me with a will to live, and the desire to improve my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and in every other way. Hopefully my sleep disorder will be resolved soon, and my general health will allow me to pursue my personal goals and provide me with some much needed stability in my life. With Karl, my close friend, my father, and my Service Dog, I hope I am able to find peace soon, and build upon that every day, until I can honestly say that I am a content and happy individual, with dreams and goals, and a promising future.
Thanks for reading my blog. Comments are always welcome.
Amy and SD Luke
But I am still struggling with internal pain. Mostly I feel a deep sadness over not having any recent contact with my three grown children. Ellen is 30 this year, married with one small child. Kirk will be 22 next month and he is in the Navy, aboard the USS George Washington, out to sea until at least November, and probably not able to take leave for about another year. The ship's home base is in Japan, and that's a long way from his home in Wills Point, Texas. My youngest, Megan is 20 now, and I haven't spoken with her in almost a year. She is working at a restaurant in Wills Point, living with girl friends, and considering going back to Junior College in Terrell. That's really all I know about my kids at the moment. They have chosen, for whatever reason, to not contact me, and living in Montana for now, I am very homesick for them, and feel a definite sense of "loss" since they are now grown and doing their own thing and not staying in contact with me. I want to see my youngest two so badly, since I have rarely seen them in the past 7 or 8 years. However, I have to maintain my own sense of well being without them, and pursue my interests and happiness on my own. I have Karl, my friend, my companion, my partner, but he is a bit of a loner himself, having lived on his own since age 17, been in the Army, never married, never had children, and is totally at peace with who he is, and is content with his own company, not needing much interaction or affection. Neither of us have found Butte, Montana to be very nurturing, haven't developed strong friendships, or a true sense of feeling "at home" here. Karl gets laid off from the glass shop every winter as business dies down due to extreme weather, and we find ourselves often isolated from the rest of the world. I did have a good relationship with my therapist, who also taught DBT and Self Esteem classes each week, but she has just recently moved on to another job, and I am now dealing with starting all over with a new therapist, and new teachers for my weekly classes.
I think I'm on the correct medications. I feel stable in the sense that the medications for depression, bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and physical symptoms is being managed on my current "cocktail". One of my biggest problems is my chronic insomnia, and narcolepsy during the day. I don't seem to be able to gain any control over when I sleep. I am wide awake at night, unable to calm my mind and reach a state of restfulness, and during the day, I often have sudden periods of time where I instantly doze off at random times of the day, without notice. In general, I'm not getting quality sleep. And lack of sleep leads to pyschosis, irritability, and even hallucinations. I know that my perspective is not as clear as it would be were I getting adequate and regular sleep. I am having mood swings, mostly anxiety and depression, and thoughts of wanting the pain to end badly enough that I experience a desire to just crawl in a hole and die.
I know much of my anxiety stems from losing my therapist and teacher that has been so influential in my life for over 5 years, and her replacements pale in comparison to her genius and expertise and the problem solving we were able to accomplish together. I miss her terribly and don't like the new therapists and teachers nearly as much. Also, the stress of not having family around, not having contact with my children, not having a life full of experiences with friends and family involvement has allowed me to sink into a dark depression and feelings of guilt, sorrow, worthlessness, and hopelessness have dominated my current state of mind.
I am trying to stay out of the hospital, or psych ward, as I have made a commitment to friends, family, and mental health care workers, that I would not do harm to myself, or allow myself to entertain the possibility of taking my own life, as I have in the past, before I had some coping skills and DBT training and quality therapy. But, sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions every day, not really involved in anything, just existing. I have allowed myself to give up on hobbies, interests, and social engagements. I have a couple of friends I can talk to, one in particular, recently developing into a close relationship, but in general, I spend most of my time alone, and feeling lost and lonely and unhappy with my life. I attempted to attend college on line, but quickly got burned out and had to quit. I don't have the financial means to explore many hobbies or interests, so I spend my days just attending my errands and appointments, spending time online, a member of some online support groups, doing some dog related activities, and just letting time go by, day after day, month after month, year after year, without actually accomplishing much.
My Service Dog, Lucas, is actually my closest thing to a life line for me. He is my daily focus, my companion, my assistant, and often my healer. I rely on him for physical and emotional support, and he accompanies me everywhere, including grocery shopping, running errands, going to classes and appointments, and on the occasion that I go out to a social event. I am actually closer to him than I am any person I know, including Karl, the man I live with. Karl goes to work every morning, and I am usually up when he leaves, having never gone to bed, and when he gets home from his tough job at the glass shop, he generally wants to make small talk briefly, then spend his evening on his computer, following the news, and playing his fantasy game online, eating whatever I come up with for dinner, drinking beer until about 11 or 12 pm when he goes to bed. Often, that is the extent of our relationship. Now, if I am feeling particularly upset, I can go to him and express my feelings and he offers his friendship, his personal wisdom, and emotional support, but he does not engage with me emotionally on a regular basis, as he doesn't need that frequent attention himself. We both agree that, when we can afford to move, we will probably head south, in a year or two, perhaps to Savannah, Georgia, where he can most likely find year round work at a glass shop, and the weather is more suited to his liking, we would both enjoy being near a beach again, and I would most likely occupy myself with going to therapy and psych classes and support groups, perhaps attempting to try to attend college classes again, spend time with other Service Dog teams, and maybe even make new friends to spend time with individually, or possibly as a couple. We have not enjoyed the company of close friends here in Butte, Montana. There is a lot of negativity here, a lot of poverty, drinking and gambling, crime, and general lack of interest in the community. The police force is mostly corrupt, and there is a definite lack of nurturing in this town. It has some history, as a mining town, the old copper kings of Butte, and the remnants of a prosperous time in history, but other than that, there is little culture or excitement to be had here.
So, I am pursuing the friendships that I've made recently, and find that to be mostly rewarding, but am aware that it is just a matter of time before Karl and I make plans to leave this part of the country and try to build a life somewhere new. My Service dog is and will continue to be a major factor in my life's decisions, will remain my constant companion and helper, providing me with emotional support, as well as specific medical alerts, therapeutic responses to my specific medical episodes, mobility assistance, and psychiatric support. Unfortunately, large dogs don't have a long life span, and eventually, he will have to be retired, and I will have to seek a replacement, train a new puppy all over again, and have to deal with the loss of his companionship, much sooner than I'd like to. I think mind and Karl's relationship is solid enough that it will last, although not a completely fulfilling partnership, it provides me with financial and emotional stability, companionship, and may yet improve as we pursue new living arrangements, new friends, new jobs, and new interests together. Karl is, if nothing else, an honest and safe place for me to call home. I never worry about being abandoned or betrayed or injured in any way by Karl. Intellectually, we stimulate each other, his political beliefs, although sometimes different than mine, are very strong and rooted in a sense of integrity and common sense. His steadfast commitment to his work and his relationship with me is comforting. We are not passionate lovers in our early 50s, but we are valued partners, and I learn a lot from him, as he is quite different from me, and mostly self sufficient and maintains a positive outlook on life, despite our many challenges. He is convinced that I will, indeed, someday be reunited with my adult children, that those relationships only need time to pass and life experiences to be gained, but that in time, they will resolve into a comfortable place again in the future. I have also heard this general opinion from other people, and though I find it difficult to imagine, given the present distance that exists between my children and myself, I genuinely hope it is true that the future holds a promise of rewarding relationships to come. Right now, I am struggling with depression and lonliness, a lack of a feeling of purpose in life, and an inability to find much to amuse, interest, or excite me at all. I haven't, however, given up hope that such beneficial opportunities exist in my future. I believe I will again make friends and develop interests that occupy my mind and time and satisfy my social needs. I believe I will be happy again, sometime in the future. The divorce was harder on me than I had expected, and my brief relationship to a controlling and dishonest partner, after my divorce for about two years, added to my feeling of guilt and resentment over how my life changed, and contributed to a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and general distress. What seemed like a perfect relationship at first, turned out to be very disturbing and psychologically disabling as it was filled with negativity, dishonesty, betrayal, emotional abuse, and stress. I am glad that I was able to escape that situation, even though I left all my worldly possessions behind, and was fortunate enough to have Karl in my life to be a safe place to recover from that relationship, and my divorce and my separation from my children. I am sort of still in a healing mode, trying to redefine my life as a divorced mother that just turned age 50, and hoping that I can find peace and purpose in my life, although legally disabled, not dead or completely without some kind of future that could very well be rewarding and fulfilling as I reach the age of being with people that are retired, having grandchildren, and pursuing interests in their "golden" years and finding happiness in friendships and relationships with loved ones. It is my strong desire to reach that point of contentment, to feel like my life once again, has meaning, and I am able to value myself enough to enjoy life and grow old in peace. I don't know how much of my future involves being alone, but I hope that I can prepare myself to live a satisfactory life if being alone is going to be part of my future, and am able to function, although disabled, to a certain degree of self sufficiency and satisfaction. I hope that some of the friends I have now, remain in my life for many years to come, and that the relationships in my family that are currently dysfunctional, resolve into healthy, mutually gratifying situations that provide me with the feeling that life is indeed worth hanging on to and trying to be happy and content with however things turn out in the future. I am not afraid of dying, per se, but I do have some anxiety about being lonely and being without enough positive activities to find my life rewarding enough that I am in a state of mind to desire longevity, health, and happiness in my later years.
For now, I am going to just concentrate on getting through the most immediate crises, cleaning my house, training my service dog, nurturing my friendships, attending and working at DBT, therapy, and self esteem classes, and maintaining hope that some of my most troubling issues will be resolved in time. If I have to spend a few days in the psych ward because I can't hang on to hope without some professional help, then I am willing to do that too. I know I have made a commitment to friends, family, and health care professionals, that I would at least continue to TRY to go on, to attempt to find whatever it is that I need that provides me with a will to live, and the desire to improve my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and in every other way. Hopefully my sleep disorder will be resolved soon, and my general health will allow me to pursue my personal goals and provide me with some much needed stability in my life. With Karl, my close friend, my father, and my Service Dog, I hope I am able to find peace soon, and build upon that every day, until I can honestly say that I am a content and happy individual, with dreams and goals, and a promising future.
Thanks for reading my blog. Comments are always welcome.
Amy and SD Luke
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
September 11, 2012
This week my focus is on three things. One, my 21 day yoga fitness challenge starts Monday, September 10, Two, it is Fall clean up at my house. Time to dust, mop, clean out the refridgerator and microwave and oven, clean up dog hair and vacuum, and go through stacks of papers, bills, and junk, and get organized. Three, it is time to commit to spending time daily, training Luke for mobility work, as his new mobility harness is due to be shipped this week, and the retrieve, teaching it from backwards onward, teaching give, hold, take, bring it, go get it, etc.
This week I am having a dear friend offer to help me in many ways. For one, she is coming over to help me with housework. Also, she is helping me with the presentation of my current fund raiser for Luke's professional training and veterinary expenses. We went to see Dr. McQueary in Butte and got an estimate for x-rays of hips and elbows, sedation, and examination to clear him medically to do mobility work. The quote is right at $300, unless he needs anything extra, like treatment for an ear infection for example. My friend, Tasha wants to do a new fund raising flyer for prospective sponsors with pictures of Luke in his new mobility harness and description of our financial needs regarding training and vet bills. Basically, I am waiting to hear back from my dog trainer in Whitehall, to provide me with a "training contract" which will include the estimated cost and training time needed in order to have Luke pass both the AKC Canine Good Citizen test and the ADI Public Access Test, along with the training required for mobility work in his new harness, providing me with counterbalance and brace work, as well as a formal retrieve, picking up things I've dropped, such as his leash, my wallet, mail, a pill bottle, my fork, my pen, my gloves, etc.
We are hoping to get that training done with Patti, at RDTAG in Whitehall, in the next few months, provided we can get the funds for it. Additionally, Luke is signed up to take his first of three levels in C.L.A.S.S. (Canine Living and Social Skills) with Joni Wissinger of Clancy, Montana, starting at the end of September or early October, hopefully going from one 6 week course to the next, until he has graduated with his Doctorate in C.L.A.S.S. (He will get his Bachelors for the first level first) Ms. Wissinger is also an AKC evaluator and can probably do the CGC testing as well. Also, I believe she teaches a class on "loose leash walking" which is something I'm interested in to aid us as a working mobility service dog team. I have begun introducing clicker training with Luke, using very small training treats and reinforcing some basic commands that he already knows, like "Sit", "Down", "Shake", etc. I am also working on making his "Come Front" closer (toes to toes basically) as he tends to sit about 4 feet in front of me now. I am also using the clicker to train for eye contact, or "look here" for treats, rather than looking at my hand or the bag of treats. I want to train for eye contact while walking beside me as well, especially as his default behavior during a distraction, like another dog, or an approaching person, or other unexpected events.
This week should be a good week for getting packages in the mail. With the success of my fund raiser, I was able to purchase everything I need for Luke. The custom made black leather, sheep skin lined harness will come with an attachable, red, reflective vest/cape with pockets, a clip on tag that says Service Dog, DO NOT DISTRACT, a new easy grip, leather 30 inch leash, the ergonomic handle with the bridge sign on it that says "Mobility Assistance Dog" Please Ask to Pet, easy pull pins to put the handle down flat if needed, a new chest plate with an extra D-ring attachment in the front, and some other extras. I also ordered some patches for the red cape attachment, a leash slide that says Service Dog on it, a custom, round patch with a picture of a mobility German Shepherd on it that says "Service Dog, Luke" on it, some law cards with the ADA information on them, a picture ID card with Federal and State laws on the back, an ID wallet to keep the ID and law cards and my emergency medical information for the zipper pocket on the cape, a short red and silver chain traffic lead, a new medical alert dog tag with my phone number on it for Luke and a medical alert bracelet for me to wear, a round emergency pin that says "In case of Emergency, Transport Dog with Handler", an extra zipper bag for poop bags, medication, a collapsible water bowl, and possibly money, keys and cell phone. The harness also comes with a leather strap for pulling up hill or providing momentum up stairs etc. Luke also has a new wide, hand crafted, leather collar hand made by Brooke Hargarther that has rhinestones on it surrounding a big silver name plate that says Service Dog LUKE, and Call Amy and my phone number on it. It looks really nice on him too. I can't begin to express how thankful I am to the people that contributed to the fundraiser for the harness and equipment, bought raffle tickets and donated to my online Chipin site, and passed the word along on Facebook and their own web sites about my financial needs. I was able to purchase everything I need to outfit Luke properly. Now we are looking at trying to raise the money for his training and veterinary expenses. I don't have a total on that yet, but I have set up a new chipin site for the vet bills, and every dollar makes a huge difference when you are raising money.
The link to my chipin page is http://amyregan.chipin.com/vet-bills-for-my-service-dog
I think this is the widget embedded code. (haven't tried html before) For my yoga fitness challenge, I want to be able to post my updates on here as well.
This week I am having a dear friend offer to help me in many ways. For one, she is coming over to help me with housework. Also, she is helping me with the presentation of my current fund raiser for Luke's professional training and veterinary expenses. We went to see Dr. McQueary in Butte and got an estimate for x-rays of hips and elbows, sedation, and examination to clear him medically to do mobility work. The quote is right at $300, unless he needs anything extra, like treatment for an ear infection for example. My friend, Tasha wants to do a new fund raising flyer for prospective sponsors with pictures of Luke in his new mobility harness and description of our financial needs regarding training and vet bills. Basically, I am waiting to hear back from my dog trainer in Whitehall, to provide me with a "training contract" which will include the estimated cost and training time needed in order to have Luke pass both the AKC Canine Good Citizen test and the ADI Public Access Test, along with the training required for mobility work in his new harness, providing me with counterbalance and brace work, as well as a formal retrieve, picking up things I've dropped, such as his leash, my wallet, mail, a pill bottle, my fork, my pen, my gloves, etc.
We are hoping to get that training done with Patti, at RDTAG in Whitehall, in the next few months, provided we can get the funds for it. Additionally, Luke is signed up to take his first of three levels in C.L.A.S.S. (Canine Living and Social Skills) with Joni Wissinger of Clancy, Montana, starting at the end of September or early October, hopefully going from one 6 week course to the next, until he has graduated with his Doctorate in C.L.A.S.S. (He will get his Bachelors for the first level first) Ms. Wissinger is also an AKC evaluator and can probably do the CGC testing as well. Also, I believe she teaches a class on "loose leash walking" which is something I'm interested in to aid us as a working mobility service dog team. I have begun introducing clicker training with Luke, using very small training treats and reinforcing some basic commands that he already knows, like "Sit", "Down", "Shake", etc. I am also working on making his "Come Front" closer (toes to toes basically) as he tends to sit about 4 feet in front of me now. I am also using the clicker to train for eye contact, or "look here" for treats, rather than looking at my hand or the bag of treats. I want to train for eye contact while walking beside me as well, especially as his default behavior during a distraction, like another dog, or an approaching person, or other unexpected events.
This week should be a good week for getting packages in the mail. With the success of my fund raiser, I was able to purchase everything I need for Luke. The custom made black leather, sheep skin lined harness will come with an attachable, red, reflective vest/cape with pockets, a clip on tag that says Service Dog, DO NOT DISTRACT, a new easy grip, leather 30 inch leash, the ergonomic handle with the bridge sign on it that says "Mobility Assistance Dog" Please Ask to Pet, easy pull pins to put the handle down flat if needed, a new chest plate with an extra D-ring attachment in the front, and some other extras. I also ordered some patches for the red cape attachment, a leash slide that says Service Dog on it, a custom, round patch with a picture of a mobility German Shepherd on it that says "Service Dog, Luke" on it, some law cards with the ADA information on them, a picture ID card with Federal and State laws on the back, an ID wallet to keep the ID and law cards and my emergency medical information for the zipper pocket on the cape, a short red and silver chain traffic lead, a new medical alert dog tag with my phone number on it for Luke and a medical alert bracelet for me to wear, a round emergency pin that says "In case of Emergency, Transport Dog with Handler", an extra zipper bag for poop bags, medication, a collapsible water bowl, and possibly money, keys and cell phone. The harness also comes with a leather strap for pulling up hill or providing momentum up stairs etc. Luke also has a new wide, hand crafted, leather collar hand made by Brooke Hargarther that has rhinestones on it surrounding a big silver name plate that says Service Dog LUKE, and Call Amy and my phone number on it. It looks really nice on him too. I can't begin to express how thankful I am to the people that contributed to the fundraiser for the harness and equipment, bought raffle tickets and donated to my online Chipin site, and passed the word along on Facebook and their own web sites about my financial needs. I was able to purchase everything I need to outfit Luke properly. Now we are looking at trying to raise the money for his training and veterinary expenses. I don't have a total on that yet, but I have set up a new chipin site for the vet bills, and every dollar makes a huge difference when you are raising money.
The link to my chipin page is http://amyregan.chipin.com/vet-bills-for-my-service-dog
I think this is the widget embedded code. (haven't tried html before) For my yoga fitness challenge, I want to be able to post my updates on here as well.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
DBT and Relaxation techniques
Today, Luke and I went to our weekly DBT class, and were introduced to some more Qigong and yoga. I have also found an online yoga challenge site with meditation and yoga challenges, and the ability to track your success, and receive daily newsletters by email.
I need to learn how to put myself into a relaxed state of mind, especially when challenged about my Service Dog. I'm not talking about public access issues, I have had mostly positive experiences with businesses. It's the people that question me, interrogate, or harass me that distresses me.
Right now, I am doing a fund raiser to get the mobility harness custom made from Bold Lead Designs. I have talked to Katrina Boldry, who hand makes them, and I am convinced that I will be happy with their products and customer service. But fund raising, and doing a raffle, although somewhat successful, has opened me up to more inquisitions from people about why I have a Service Dog, why I need this specially made harness, and why doesn't the "school" he came from, provide the equipment I need. First of all, Luke didn't come from a "school", he is considered owner trained, with the help of professional trainers, and various obedience classes we've attended since he was a puppy. For Medical alert, and specifically Psychiatric Service, getting a dog as a puppy provides a distinct advantage, as the bonding period, about 4 months old, is not missed as would happen with dogs that grow up with "puppy raisers" before they go to school for Service Dog training, around 18 months to 2 years old.
Luke has learned on his own, through our close bond and being together 24/7, to alert and respond to incipient episodes that may come on suddenly, due to my PTSD, Bipolar, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, General Anxiety disorder, etc, and is just now beginning to learn "Brace" to assist me with balance, provide mobility support, pulling up hills and stairs, and will learn to "step" one step at a time, while I lean on him going down stairs or steep walk ways. I am hoping my trainer, Patti Reed, of Whitehall, Montana, can help me teach these tasks to Luke, now that he's full grown and can now bear some weight on him, as well as learning the "retrieve" with the help of a training DVD from Leerberg.com, called "Training the Retrieve, with Mike Ellis", so that I can have Luke pick things up I have dropped, help me in the grocery store, and retrieve medication, phone, and other items to reduce my vulnerability of falling over or over taxing myself, especially with the side effects of the 15 different medications I take daily.
Speaking of medication, I am delighted to say that FINALLY, after a strongly worded letter from my Psych Doctor to my insurance company, I have again been approved to take Provigil, which helps with narcolepsy, excessive daytime sleepiness, and sleep disturbances caused by my sleep apnea. I have had great difficulty getting to sleep at night, and staying awake during the day. I finally got off of some of the medication that caused so much weight gain, and I have lost 90 pounds in two years. My doctor agrees with me that I shouldn't be put back on those medications that caused the weight gain, just so that I can get some sleep. On zyprexa and high doses of Seroquel and Haldol, I was like a zombie, flat and unresponsive, neither high nor low, just apathetic. It was awful and I feel much better today. We just have to find out what to do so that I can sleep at night. I am back on Prozac instead of Cymbalta, and my depression seems better. I am also taking Ritalin during the day to make me feel like I can get through the day without a nap, or falling asleep unexpectedly.
My time with Luke is very therapeutic. We do everything together, and he is always by my side. Since I haven't been sleeping, I let him stick to his regular sleeping habits and he goes to the crate on his own between 10 and 11pm. When I finally go to bed, which is often when Captain K is getting ready to go to work at Butte Glass Shop, Luke comes to bed with me, and I find that I do sleep better with him there with me. When I have a nightmare, he automatically checks on me, and when asked, will lay partly across my chest, and I will focus on my breathing and my heart rate, and I am able to use his weight and his breathing and heart rate to guide me back to a state of restfullness. Also, I am taking Prazosin for nightmares, and that seems to be helping, but it does cause dizziness, especially if I rise from bed or a chair too quickly. Having Luke there to lean on during those times helps. He is just now learning the word, "Brace", where he stands cross ways in front of me and locks his knees and provides me with a solid support to steady myself. He needs work on applying the brace work on stairs. He tends to want to watch me, so he jumps ahead of me and turns around and walks up the stairs backwards, keeping an eye on me as I go up each step. I want him to get in a heel position and step with me, one step at a time, in pace with me, allowing me to lean on him for support as I take each step individually at my own speed. I do better going up stairs than I do going down. Going up stairs, the harness I'm getting has a leather pull strap that Luke can learn to help with momentum getting up, but I am slow going down stairs since my knees are weak, and I am unsteady, needing to take each step slowly, with both feet on each step before I take the next step down. Luke needs to learn how to do this for me, in his new mobility harness. We'll go to the Silver House or the Court House to practice stairs.
I am writing this blog in lieu of doing daily diary cards for DBT. I need to track my daily use of DBT skills and mindfulness, recording what works and what doesn't work during times of distress. The module we are in now is Distress Tolerance, which I am learning a lot, through practising controlled breathing exercises, mindfulness, distracting myself, and self soothing. I use the computer and television a lot for distraction, but I've noticed when I'm out, doing the fund raiser, and out in public, I need to apply what I've learned about breathing deeply, relaxing, and monitoring my mood. There are many times I find myself just wanting to escape the environment entirely, needing Luke to guide me back to the car, my "safe spot', in order to function normally again. Being out on the town has been a positive thing is some ways, allowing me some positive social experiences with supportive people, but has also been very distressing, when confronted by someone that is dubious and less than sympathetic about my disabilities and need of a Service Dog. Luke has picked up on some of my nervousness, and has not been overly social while we've been out. He looks around a lot, and appears to be always looking for the way out of wherever we are. When I sit down to talk to someone, have a drink, or play a machine in the casino, he seems to relax, and stays in a down position right next to my feet. But, entering unknown places, my tension travels down the leash, and Luke appears nervous. I'm hoping more exposure to more places and venues, will teach him to enter places with more confidence and ease. He is used to the regular places I go, to the Doctor, to classes, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, and my regular errands, and he does quite well during those outings.
Whenever Luke gets nervous, I feel self conscious, and I feel more nervous, and he picks up on that from me, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am the one that needs to learn how to relax, and teach Luke to relax, so that he can then be a source of relaxation for me, whenever I need it. We both need more confidence, more practice in public places, and more communication that is productive during times of distress. At home, there's never a problem. I am usually always calm at home, and Luke is calm, and he is there for me in a positive way for comfort and support. There have been a few times that I had an emotional breakdown at home, and Luke responded effectively, trying to get me to play with him, licking my tears, distracting me, allowing for physical contact, deep pressure therapy, and a source of comfort, providing me with the ability to focus on him, his breathing, his heart rate, the senses of touch and smell to remind me to use my DBT skills to return to a state of well being. We are both learning right now, and I am looking forward to the training coming up Wednesday, September 5th, our first of three levels of C.L.A.S.S. training. The training is focused on positive interaction, social interaction for the dog, positive reinforcement, and basic manners and skills for a happy, healthy, polite dog. I have a waist pack for clicker training with treats, thanks to Mary Herrick for finding one for me.
Luke has a new leather collar coming, and I want to be able to discontinue using the prong collar, but that will take some practice, as right now I need it in case Luke was suddenly distracted by a cat running past us or something, and I don't have the arm strength for a dog over 100 pounds pulling me and possibly causing me to fall.
Tonight, it's not too hot, so I will probably cook some pork chops in the skillet with some vegetables. I've increased Luke's dog food, Kirkland's Chicken and Rice formula, and will be adding Taste of the Wild, Salmon formula, because Luke has lost nearly 5 pounds over the summer. I will go back to feeding him twice a day instead of just dinner. Plus I will be adding liver treats for training. I will go to Thrive, health food for dogs store, prior to beginning the new class in September to get new treats. His food and treats costs are expensive, but fortunately, he's not overly food motivated or toy motivated or concerned with chew things, bones or other stuff, and is mostly praise oriented, so I save money on much of those extra things, as he shows little interest in them. I got a ticket today for an expired tag, which I didn't realize I had, so that's another expense that I didn't plan for. It will probably be October before I am financially stable again.
Thanks for reading our blog.
Amy and Luke
I need to learn how to put myself into a relaxed state of mind, especially when challenged about my Service Dog. I'm not talking about public access issues, I have had mostly positive experiences with businesses. It's the people that question me, interrogate, or harass me that distresses me.
Right now, I am doing a fund raiser to get the mobility harness custom made from Bold Lead Designs. I have talked to Katrina Boldry, who hand makes them, and I am convinced that I will be happy with their products and customer service. But fund raising, and doing a raffle, although somewhat successful, has opened me up to more inquisitions from people about why I have a Service Dog, why I need this specially made harness, and why doesn't the "school" he came from, provide the equipment I need. First of all, Luke didn't come from a "school", he is considered owner trained, with the help of professional trainers, and various obedience classes we've attended since he was a puppy. For Medical alert, and specifically Psychiatric Service, getting a dog as a puppy provides a distinct advantage, as the bonding period, about 4 months old, is not missed as would happen with dogs that grow up with "puppy raisers" before they go to school for Service Dog training, around 18 months to 2 years old.
Luke has learned on his own, through our close bond and being together 24/7, to alert and respond to incipient episodes that may come on suddenly, due to my PTSD, Bipolar, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, General Anxiety disorder, etc, and is just now beginning to learn "Brace" to assist me with balance, provide mobility support, pulling up hills and stairs, and will learn to "step" one step at a time, while I lean on him going down stairs or steep walk ways. I am hoping my trainer, Patti Reed, of Whitehall, Montana, can help me teach these tasks to Luke, now that he's full grown and can now bear some weight on him, as well as learning the "retrieve" with the help of a training DVD from Leerberg.com, called "Training the Retrieve, with Mike Ellis", so that I can have Luke pick things up I have dropped, help me in the grocery store, and retrieve medication, phone, and other items to reduce my vulnerability of falling over or over taxing myself, especially with the side effects of the 15 different medications I take daily.
Speaking of medication, I am delighted to say that FINALLY, after a strongly worded letter from my Psych Doctor to my insurance company, I have again been approved to take Provigil, which helps with narcolepsy, excessive daytime sleepiness, and sleep disturbances caused by my sleep apnea. I have had great difficulty getting to sleep at night, and staying awake during the day. I finally got off of some of the medication that caused so much weight gain, and I have lost 90 pounds in two years. My doctor agrees with me that I shouldn't be put back on those medications that caused the weight gain, just so that I can get some sleep. On zyprexa and high doses of Seroquel and Haldol, I was like a zombie, flat and unresponsive, neither high nor low, just apathetic. It was awful and I feel much better today. We just have to find out what to do so that I can sleep at night. I am back on Prozac instead of Cymbalta, and my depression seems better. I am also taking Ritalin during the day to make me feel like I can get through the day without a nap, or falling asleep unexpectedly.
My time with Luke is very therapeutic. We do everything together, and he is always by my side. Since I haven't been sleeping, I let him stick to his regular sleeping habits and he goes to the crate on his own between 10 and 11pm. When I finally go to bed, which is often when Captain K is getting ready to go to work at Butte Glass Shop, Luke comes to bed with me, and I find that I do sleep better with him there with me. When I have a nightmare, he automatically checks on me, and when asked, will lay partly across my chest, and I will focus on my breathing and my heart rate, and I am able to use his weight and his breathing and heart rate to guide me back to a state of restfullness. Also, I am taking Prazosin for nightmares, and that seems to be helping, but it does cause dizziness, especially if I rise from bed or a chair too quickly. Having Luke there to lean on during those times helps. He is just now learning the word, "Brace", where he stands cross ways in front of me and locks his knees and provides me with a solid support to steady myself. He needs work on applying the brace work on stairs. He tends to want to watch me, so he jumps ahead of me and turns around and walks up the stairs backwards, keeping an eye on me as I go up each step. I want him to get in a heel position and step with me, one step at a time, in pace with me, allowing me to lean on him for support as I take each step individually at my own speed. I do better going up stairs than I do going down. Going up stairs, the harness I'm getting has a leather pull strap that Luke can learn to help with momentum getting up, but I am slow going down stairs since my knees are weak, and I am unsteady, needing to take each step slowly, with both feet on each step before I take the next step down. Luke needs to learn how to do this for me, in his new mobility harness. We'll go to the Silver House or the Court House to practice stairs.
I am writing this blog in lieu of doing daily diary cards for DBT. I need to track my daily use of DBT skills and mindfulness, recording what works and what doesn't work during times of distress. The module we are in now is Distress Tolerance, which I am learning a lot, through practising controlled breathing exercises, mindfulness, distracting myself, and self soothing. I use the computer and television a lot for distraction, but I've noticed when I'm out, doing the fund raiser, and out in public, I need to apply what I've learned about breathing deeply, relaxing, and monitoring my mood. There are many times I find myself just wanting to escape the environment entirely, needing Luke to guide me back to the car, my "safe spot', in order to function normally again. Being out on the town has been a positive thing is some ways, allowing me some positive social experiences with supportive people, but has also been very distressing, when confronted by someone that is dubious and less than sympathetic about my disabilities and need of a Service Dog. Luke has picked up on some of my nervousness, and has not been overly social while we've been out. He looks around a lot, and appears to be always looking for the way out of wherever we are. When I sit down to talk to someone, have a drink, or play a machine in the casino, he seems to relax, and stays in a down position right next to my feet. But, entering unknown places, my tension travels down the leash, and Luke appears nervous. I'm hoping more exposure to more places and venues, will teach him to enter places with more confidence and ease. He is used to the regular places I go, to the Doctor, to classes, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, and my regular errands, and he does quite well during those outings.
Whenever Luke gets nervous, I feel self conscious, and I feel more nervous, and he picks up on that from me, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am the one that needs to learn how to relax, and teach Luke to relax, so that he can then be a source of relaxation for me, whenever I need it. We both need more confidence, more practice in public places, and more communication that is productive during times of distress. At home, there's never a problem. I am usually always calm at home, and Luke is calm, and he is there for me in a positive way for comfort and support. There have been a few times that I had an emotional breakdown at home, and Luke responded effectively, trying to get me to play with him, licking my tears, distracting me, allowing for physical contact, deep pressure therapy, and a source of comfort, providing me with the ability to focus on him, his breathing, his heart rate, the senses of touch and smell to remind me to use my DBT skills to return to a state of well being. We are both learning right now, and I am looking forward to the training coming up Wednesday, September 5th, our first of three levels of C.L.A.S.S. training. The training is focused on positive interaction, social interaction for the dog, positive reinforcement, and basic manners and skills for a happy, healthy, polite dog. I have a waist pack for clicker training with treats, thanks to Mary Herrick for finding one for me.
Luke has a new leather collar coming, and I want to be able to discontinue using the prong collar, but that will take some practice, as right now I need it in case Luke was suddenly distracted by a cat running past us or something, and I don't have the arm strength for a dog over 100 pounds pulling me and possibly causing me to fall.
Tonight, it's not too hot, so I will probably cook some pork chops in the skillet with some vegetables. I've increased Luke's dog food, Kirkland's Chicken and Rice formula, and will be adding Taste of the Wild, Salmon formula, because Luke has lost nearly 5 pounds over the summer. I will go back to feeding him twice a day instead of just dinner. Plus I will be adding liver treats for training. I will go to Thrive, health food for dogs store, prior to beginning the new class in September to get new treats. His food and treats costs are expensive, but fortunately, he's not overly food motivated or toy motivated or concerned with chew things, bones or other stuff, and is mostly praise oriented, so I save money on much of those extra things, as he shows little interest in them. I got a ticket today for an expired tag, which I didn't realize I had, so that's another expense that I didn't plan for. It will probably be October before I am financially stable again.
Thanks for reading our blog.
Amy and Luke
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