Well, I'm going on my third day without sleep, and I am concerned about becoming psychotic, having hallucinations, etc, if I don't get a good night's sleep soon. I am trying hard to stay out of the hospital, taking my medications, and going to doctor and therapy appointments, DBT class, and Self Esteem group. I have learned a lot of skills in my classes, and I have been doing some Yoga and Meditation from a program I bought online called the Silva Method at mindvalley.com. So far the recordings I have listened to contain strong messages about how to improve my state of mind, learning deep relaxation, etc.

But I am still struggling with internal pain. Mostly I feel a deep sadness over not having any recent contact with my three grown children. Ellen is 30 this year, married with one small child. Kirk will be 22 next month and he is in the Navy, aboard the USS George Washington, out to sea until at least November, and probably not able to take leave for about another year. The ship's home base is in Japan, and that's a long way from his home in Wills Point, Texas. My youngest, Megan is 20 now, and I haven't spoken with her in almost a year. She is working at a restaurant in Wills Point, living with girl friends, and considering going back to Junior College in Terrell. That's really all I know about my kids at the moment. They have chosen, for whatever reason, to not contact me, and living in Montana for now, I am very homesick for them, and feel a definite sense of "loss" since they are now grown and doing their own thing and not staying in contact with me. I want to see my youngest two so badly, since I have rarely seen them in the past 7 or 8 years. However, I have to maintain my own sense of well being without them, and pursue my interests and happiness on my own. I have Karl, my friend, my companion, my partner, but he is a bit of a loner himself, having lived on his own since age 17, been in the Army, never married, never had children, and is totally at peace with who he is, and is content with his own company, not needing much interaction or affection. Neither of us have found Butte, Montana to be very nurturing, haven't developed strong friendships, or a true sense of feeling "at home" here. Karl gets laid off from the glass shop every winter as business dies down due to extreme weather, and we find ourselves often isolated from the rest of the world. I did have a good relationship with my therapist, who also taught DBT and Self Esteem classes each week, but she has just recently moved on to another job, and I am now dealing with starting all over with a new therapist, and new teachers for my weekly classes.

I think I'm on the correct medications. I feel stable in the sense that the medications for depression, bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and physical symptoms is being managed on my current "cocktail". One of my biggest problems is my chronic insomnia, and narcolepsy during the day. I don't seem to be able to gain any control over when I sleep. I am wide awake at night, unable to calm my mind and reach a state of restfulness, and during the day, I often have sudden periods of time where I instantly doze off at random times of the day, without notice. In general, I'm not getting quality sleep. And lack of sleep leads to pyschosis, irritability, and even hallucinations. I know that my perspective is not as clear as it would be were I getting adequate and regular sleep. I am having mood swings, mostly anxiety and depression, and thoughts of wanting the pain to end badly enough that I experience a desire to just crawl  in a hole and die.
I know much of my anxiety stems from losing my therapist and teacher that has been so influential in my life for over 5 years, and her replacements pale in comparison to her genius and expertise and the problem solving we were able to accomplish together. I miss her terribly and don't like the new therapists and teachers nearly as much. Also, the stress of not having family around, not having contact with my children, not having a life full of experiences with friends and family involvement has allowed me to sink into a dark depression and feelings of guilt, sorrow, worthlessness, and hopelessness have dominated my current state of mind.

I am trying to stay out of the hospital, or psych ward, as I have made a commitment to friends, family, and mental health care workers, that I would not do harm to myself, or allow myself to entertain the possibility of taking my own life, as I have in the past, before I had some coping skills and DBT training and quality therapy. But, sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions every day, not really involved in anything, just existing. I have allowed myself to give up on hobbies, interests, and social engagements. I have a couple of friends I can talk to, one in particular, recently developing into a close relationship, but in general, I spend most of my time alone, and feeling lost and lonely and unhappy with my life. I attempted to attend college on line, but quickly got burned out and had to quit. I don't have the financial means to explore many hobbies or interests, so I spend my days just attending my errands and appointments, spending time online, a member of some online support groups, doing some dog related activities, and just letting time go by, day after day, month after month, year after year, without actually accomplishing much.

My Service Dog, Lucas, is actually my closest thing to a life line for me. He is my daily focus, my companion, my assistant, and often my healer. I rely on him for physical and emotional support, and he accompanies me everywhere, including grocery shopping, running errands, going to classes and appointments, and on the occasion that I go out to a social event. I am actually closer to him than I am any person I know, including Karl, the man I live with. Karl goes to work every morning, and I am usually up when he leaves, having never gone to bed, and when he gets home from his tough job at the glass shop, he generally wants to make small talk briefly, then spend his evening on his computer, following the news, and playing his fantasy game online, eating whatever I come up with for dinner, drinking beer until about 11 or 12 pm when he goes to bed. Often, that is the extent of our relationship. Now, if I am feeling particularly upset, I can go to him and express my feelings and he offers his friendship, his personal wisdom, and emotional support, but he does not engage with me emotionally on a regular basis, as he doesn't need that frequent attention himself. We both agree that, when we can afford to move, we will probably head south, in a year or two, perhaps to Savannah, Georgia, where he can most likely find year round work at a glass shop, and the weather is more suited to his liking, we would both enjoy being near a beach again, and I would most likely occupy myself with going to therapy and psych classes and support groups, perhaps attempting to try to attend college classes again, spend time with other Service Dog teams, and maybe even make new friends to spend time with individually, or possibly as a couple. We have not enjoyed the company of close friends here in Butte, Montana. There is a lot of negativity here, a lot of poverty, drinking and gambling, crime, and general lack of interest in the community. The police force is mostly corrupt, and there is a definite lack of nurturing in this town. It has some history, as a mining town, the old copper kings of Butte, and the remnants of a prosperous time in history, but other than that, there is little culture or excitement to be had here.

So, I am pursuing the friendships that I've made recently, and find that to be mostly rewarding, but am aware that it is just a matter of time before Karl and I make plans to leave this part of the country and try to build a life somewhere new. My Service dog is and will continue to be a major factor in my life's decisions, will remain my constant companion and helper, providing me with emotional support, as well as specific medical alerts, therapeutic responses to my specific medical episodes, mobility assistance, and psychiatric support. Unfortunately, large dogs don't have a long life span, and eventually, he will have to be retired, and I will have to seek a replacement, train a new puppy all over again, and have to deal with the loss of his companionship, much sooner than I'd like to. I think mind and Karl's relationship is solid enough that it will last, although not a completely fulfilling partnership, it provides me with financial and emotional stability, companionship, and may yet improve as we pursue new living arrangements, new friends, new jobs, and new interests together. Karl is, if nothing else, an honest and safe place for me to call home. I never worry about being abandoned or betrayed or injured in any way by Karl. Intellectually, we stimulate each other, his political beliefs, although sometimes different than mine, are very strong and rooted in a sense of integrity and common sense. His steadfast commitment to his work and his relationship with me is comforting. We are not passionate lovers in our early 50s, but we are valued partners, and I learn a lot from him, as he is quite different from me, and mostly self sufficient and maintains a positive outlook on life, despite our many challenges. He is convinced that I will, indeed, someday be reunited with my adult children, that those relationships only need time to pass and life experiences to be gained, but that in time, they will resolve into a comfortable place again in the future. I have also heard this general opinion from other people, and though I find it difficult to imagine, given the present distance that exists between my children and myself, I genuinely hope it is true that the future holds a promise of rewarding relationships to come. Right now, I am struggling with depression and lonliness, a lack of a feeling of purpose in life, and an inability to find much to amuse, interest, or excite me at all. I haven't, however, given up hope that such beneficial opportunities exist in my future. I believe I will again make friends and develop interests that occupy my mind and time and satisfy my social needs. I believe I will be happy again, sometime in the future. The divorce was harder on me than I had expected, and my brief relationship to a controlling and dishonest partner, after my divorce for about two years, added to my feeling of guilt and resentment over how my life changed, and contributed to a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and general distress. What seemed like a perfect relationship at first, turned out to be very disturbing and psychologically disabling as it was filled with negativity, dishonesty, betrayal, emotional abuse, and stress. I am glad that I was able to escape that situation, even though I left all my worldly possessions behind, and was fortunate enough to have Karl in my life to be a safe place to recover from that relationship, and my divorce and my separation from my children. I am sort of still in a healing mode, trying to redefine my life as a divorced mother that just turned age 50, and hoping that I can find peace and purpose in my life, although legally disabled, not dead or completely without some kind of future that could very well be rewarding and fulfilling as I reach the age of being with people that are retired, having grandchildren, and pursuing interests in their "golden" years and finding happiness in friendships and relationships with loved ones. It is my strong desire to reach that point of contentment, to feel like my life once again, has meaning, and I am able to value myself enough to enjoy life and grow old in peace. I don't know how much of my future involves being alone, but I hope that I can prepare myself to live a satisfactory life if being alone is going to be part of my future, and am able to function, although disabled, to a certain degree of self sufficiency and satisfaction. I hope that some of the friends I have now, remain in my life for many years to come, and that the relationships in my family that are currently dysfunctional, resolve into healthy, mutually gratifying situations that provide me with the feeling that life is indeed worth hanging on to and trying to be happy and content with however things turn out in the future. I am not afraid of dying, per se, but I do have some anxiety about being lonely and being without enough positive activities to find my life rewarding enough that I am in a state of mind to desire longevity, health, and happiness in my later years.

For now, I am going to just concentrate on getting through the most immediate crises, cleaning my house, training my service dog, nurturing my friendships, attending and working at DBT, therapy, and self esteem classes, and maintaining hope that some of my most troubling issues will be resolved in time. If I have to spend a few days in the psych ward because I can't hang on to hope without some professional help, then I am willing to do that too. I know I have made a commitment to friends, family, and health care professionals, that I would at least continue to TRY to go on, to attempt to find whatever it is that I need that provides me with a will to live, and the desire to improve my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and in every other way. Hopefully my sleep disorder will be resolved soon, and my general health will allow me to pursue my personal goals and provide me with some much needed stability in my life. With Karl, my close friend, my father, and my Service Dog, I hope I am able to find peace soon, and build upon that every day, until I can honestly say that I am a content and happy individual, with dreams and goals, and a promising future.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments are always welcome.

Amy and SD Luke